


If Only In My Dreams

by Maggiemaye



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Christmas, College AU, F/M, Farm boy Kili, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Meeting the Parents, cat shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2015-12-22
Packaged: 2018-05-08 08:45:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5490992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maggiemaye/pseuds/Maggiemaye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“So. Tell me how you two met.”</p><p>“Kili hasn’t told you?”</p><p>“He has.” Dis smiled expectantly. “I just want to hear you tell it.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Only In My Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> I envisioned this being longer/better/less choppy than it turned out to be. But I hope you all enjoy it, and that your holidays have been happy so far :) Huge, epic shout-out to Cassidy (who just got hitched!) and the Company for throwing ideas around with me, and for inspiring me to write something that feels like home. Also I live in a swamp, and if I can't have a white Christmas, I at least wanted Kili and Tauriel to have one ;) 
> 
> I've got a college AU brewing that will go along with this, which I will hopefully get written sometime in 2016. It's on the list, anyway! 
> 
> Much love to y'all. This year has been a pleasure <3

_12/18_

“You really do live out in the middle of nowhere.”

Kili jumped a little at the sound of Tauriel’s voice. He’d been completely zoned out, staring out the window as the buildings thinned out and gave way to barren winter fields. Finals week had been a blur; he’d existed solely on caffeine and adrenaline, and it was all starting to catch up with him.

He blinked over at Tauriel.

“I know,” he blustered, unsure of what she meant. “Think you can survive without Starbucks for a week?”

She just smiled.

“The stars probably look amazing out here.” Her voice went thoughtful as she gazed out the windshield, and Kili felt himself relax.   

“They do. We can go out and watch them sometime. Whenever you want.”

He reached over to squeeze her knee. Tauriel smiled at the gesture as she rolled her shoulders, stretching her neck from side to side. Kili could hear her spine pop as she worked out the kinks.

“You want me to take over for a while?”

“No, I’m fine,” she said, slipping into her no-nonsense athletic training mode. “I don’t want you straining your leg too much.”

“Have I told you how much I love it when you boss me around?”

“Maybe once or twice,” she replied with a raised eyebrow. She was trying not to grin, Kili could tell, but her lips kept twitching.

He hadn’t put up much of a fight when Tauriel had insisted on driving. His leg still wasn’t a hundred percent after the injury, and besides, this way he got to control the radio. Kili liked road trips. It was something he and Tauriel had in common, as they’d recently discovered. Luckily for him, Tauriel also liked music blaring and she didn’t mind if he brought snacks into her car.

Not for the first time, Kili caught himself wondering how this could actually be his life. He was bringing Tauriel, his _girlfriend,_ home for Christmas to meet his family. Logic would state that it was too good to be true.

But there was no way he’d dreamed up the entire semester they’d known each other. This was happening.   

Kili’s mood got better and better as they drove. He talked aimlessly between bites of trail mix, jumping from topic to topic and accepting her monosyllabic responses. She didn’t even chime in when he started speculating about when he could go back to soccer practice, something she normally loved to set him straight on. Finally, Kili started to notice that while his spirits had been lifting, the trip seemed to be having the opposite effect on Tauriel. The closer they got to home the more rigid her posture became. Now, with only five more miles to go, her hands were firmly locked at ten and two. Perfect driver’s ed form.

Something wasn’t okay.

“Why aren’t you talking?” Kili tossed a raisin at her head, but he overshot and it clicked against the window.

“Not everyone wants to talk all the time, Kili.” Her eyes stayed fixed on the road.

He lobbed another piece of trail mix, a peanut this time. It bounced off her cheekbone and she raised her eyebrows at him.

“You could at least throw me a cashew,” she suggested.

“Like I’d waste a cashew.”

She finally cracked a smile then. It was a tiny smile, barely even a twitch of her mouth, but Kili still felt accomplished.

“You’re still okay with this, right?” He turned the radio down so that he could hear her over Burl Ives.

“Of course I’m okay. I want to meet your family, Kili.”

“Still. If you feel weird about spending Christmas away from home—“

“Kili.” Tauriel looked over at him. “Oh my God. This was my idea, remember? You don’t have to worry.”

She turned back to the road. Kili nodded and turned the radio back on, letting Mariah Carey dig at his eardrums as the hills and skeletal trees whizzed by. Truthfully, Kili _was_ a little worried. Tauriel lived with city people. Rich people. And he knew she wasn’t the kind of person who would look down on him, but they’d only been dating for about half a semester, so they were still in make-or-break territory.

Kili usually wasn’t this much of an overthinker. But with Tauriel he couldn’t help it. She was everything he’d never dared to imagine; if he were to lose her now, he honestly didn’t know how he would go back to life without her.

“You never told me your place was so big,” she commented when they finally pulled up to the house. Kili was relieved to be out of the car, and he could tell Tauriel felt the same. Her brown leather jacket rode up her back as she stretched.

“And this isn’t even all of it. We’ve got cattle down the hill, and some more land up the road.”

Home almost didn’t feel like home with Tauriel there. Everything in the house looked exactly the same, of course—the cracked linoleum kitchen floor, the giant wood-burning fireplace in the living room, the hatch marks on the bannister that measured his and Fili’s growth every year. He’d lived in this house his entire life; it was all familiar. But Kili couldn’t relax. He led Tauriel around the house with a knot in his stomach, waiting to hear what she thought about his world. She was quiet as he gave her the tour.

“You can sleep in my room,” he said as they passed it. “I can blow up an air mattress in the living room, it’s not a big deal.”

“Oh no, I don’t want to kick you out of your room.”

“No, I want you to. I mean, the bed’s, um, it’s really comfortable.” Kili opened the door to his room to show her, thankful that it was at least clean.

Tauriel took his hand as they made their way back to the living room, but promptly dropped it upon seeing the giant white cat curled up on the back of the couch. She hurried over to pet him, cooing and scratching under his chin as he gave a lazy yawn. 

“Upstaged by a cat. Of course,” Kili joked. “That’s Dori. He’s fifteen, we’ve had him forever.”

“He’s sweet,” said Tauriel. She was looking more comfortable now, smiling an actual smile with teeth. Kili let out a huge breath that he realized he’d been holding for a while. He came over to sit next to her on the couch, leaning down for a lingering kiss.

“My mom’s out with Uncle Thorin feeding the cows,” he murmured. “She probably won’t be in till dark.”

“I bet we’ll think of something to do while we wait,” she winked, and Kili felt his jeans already tightening at the promise behind her eyes. _Pace yourself_ , he thought frantically, reaching for the remote. They settled on Thursday night football, the pregame commentary mostly white noise to Kili. He moved to put his arm around her and she smiled. The wind was starting to pick up outside, beating against the windowpanes, and somehow it made the room feel warmer.

The first pass of the game was an interception; Kili knew Tauriel had fallen asleep when she didn’t react at all, just leaned silently against his shoulder. He thought about waking her, but the thought dissolved into a huge yawn, and he decided it couldn’t hurt to rest a little before family introductions had to take place.

Kili didn’t exactly remember lying down. But when he next opened his eyes he was flat on his back, with his head pillowed on the arm of the couch and Tauriel curled across his lower half as she slept. The sky outside the window was deep evening blue, the game was at third quarter, and his mother was sitting in the recliner, watching them.

If he hadn’t been conscious of disturbing Tauriel, Kili would have jumped out of his skin.

“Hello.” Dis was smirking, her sock feet propped on the coffee table. Kili felt a little self-conscious about his and Tauriel’s tangled legs, and the fact that she had somehow slipped her hand up his sweatshirt.

“Hello,” he replied in a cautious whisper. “Um. This is Tauriel.”

He pointed at the mop of red hair that rested on his chest, rising and falling with their still-synchronized breathing.

“I gathered.”

Kili searched her face. He didn’t think she seemed disapproving or upset, but he was wary of her silence. Dis was many things, but quiet was rarely one of them.

“Here, I’ll—“ He placed a hand on Tauriel’s shoulder, ready to nudge her awake, but Dis held up a hand.

“Don’t you dare,” she warned as she got to her feet and crossed the room toward them. “It was a long drive, let her rest. Dinner will be ready when she wakes up.”

She reached over them to grab the blanket from the back of the couch, yanking it out from under Dori and placing it silently over them. Tauriel melted into the warmth, sighing a little into his chest, and Kili saw something tender flicker over his mother’s face as she watched them.

“I’ll be in the kitchen,” she whispered. “It’s good to have you home, honey.”

Kili smiled after her as she left. The weird buzzing anxiety from earlier had dissipated after a couple hours’ sleep, and now he was left in a state of lazy contentment. He let Tauriel sleep until the third quarter was over, when he gently shook her shoulder.

She groaned into his chest. “What time is it?”

“Who knows? We slept through the first half.”

“The first _half?”_   Tauriel raised her head in surprise but settled down again, yawning. “Mmm. This couch is magic.”

“Yep.” Kili rubbed her back as she got comfortable again. His hands lost their rhythm, however, as she slinked up his body and began pressing slow kisses to his neck. Sighing, he let his head fall back against the arm of the couch. She yawned against his throat and Kili shivered against the rush of her warm breath against his skin.

Her hand drifted down to tease at the button on his jeans. Arousal laced with panic jolted through his body, and he moved her hands to safer territory on his shoulders.

“Normally you know I’d be all for this,” he forced out, “but my mom’s in the kitchen.”

In an instant, Tauriel was fully awake and off him like a shot.

“Oh my God, you could have said something,” she hissed, darting her gaze around as if Dis was going to walk in at any moment. Which, to be fair, she might.

“I just did!” Kili couldn’t help but laugh a little bit at her bright red face.

“I voluntarily asked you out,” she groaned. “I date you by choice.”

“One of your better choices, probably,” Kili said. “Come on, my mom wants to meet you.”

 

_12/19_

Even though the sun was streaming in through the open curtains, Tauriel was not eager to wake up. She was too comfortable, and it had been a while since she’d had a good night’s sleep. But she was dragged to alertness by an opinionated meow next to her head.

She cracked an eye open. A calico cat came into focus right in front of her face, so close that she could practically brush its whiskers with her nose. It yowled again, blinking its luminous eyes.

“All right, I’m up,” Tauriel groaned, rubbing the cat’s ears. It purred its approval and slinked against her side as she sat up in bed. “Were you looking for Kili? Sorry to disappoint, buddy.”

She untangled herself from the faded Star Wars sheets, making a mental note to tease Kili about _that_ later, and pulled on a pair of socks. The cat monitored her progress impatiently, meowing at her every now and then to try and hurry her up. Tauriel just grinned. It had been a while since she’d had any pets; she had forgotten how much she liked having them around.

The house was quiet as she wandered down the hall and into the kitchen. No one was there except for Dis, stirring a pot of soup, and Dori, sniffing at a pair of filthy boots at the back door. Tauriel briefly wondered how many cats this family had. She’d never been to a farm before, but she got the feeling that animals would keep crawling out of the woodwork when she least expected them.

Kili’s mother was pretty much exactly as he had described her: under five feet tall, but packing at least an extra foot in attitude. The night before had gone well, Tauriel thought. Dis had brought out the baby pictures after dinner and gleefully showed them to Tauriel, with Kili groaning over their shoulders.

Meeting her had been almost surreal after everything she’d heard from Kili; Tauriel had been fascinated by her story. Dis had never really intended to become a cattle farmer. After her husband had passed, she’d thought about selling his operation and moving off of his land. But the time had come to sign the paperwork, and she had found that she couldn’t let it go. So she’d enlisted her brother’s help and learned everything she’d needed to know about keeping Vili’s legacy alive. This was a woman who had thrown herself headfirst into a man’s world. Beneath her mother-hen sweetness was a spine of steel. Tauriel had admired her instantly.

Dis wore her flannel and denim like it was a ball gown. As she turned around for a greeting, Tauriel became very aware of her own rumpled hair and fuzzy candy-cane-striped socks.

“Tauriel!” Dis said brightly. “You’re finally up! And I see you met Nori. He’s loud, but he’s harmless, don’t worry.”

“Finally?” Tauriel repeated, still blinking sleep out of her eyes.

“It’s 11 am, honey. I just came in to heat up lunch.”

“Oh.” She blushed. “I didn’t mean to sleep so long.”

“You’re supposed to hibernate after the semester is over, don’t worry. Kili will probably pass out as soon as he gets in. He’s working on equipment with his uncle this morning.”

“He better not be working his leg too hard,” said Tauriel without thinking. “If he decides to undo all his recovery I won’t feel sorry for him.”

Dis barked out a laugh. “Perfect! It’s good to know someone besides me can keep him in line.”

“It’s not easy,” she grinned.

“Tell me about it. Here, grab that pepper for me, honey.”

Tauriel handed Dis the pepper and they lapsed into quiet for a bit. Like her son, though, she wouldn’t let it lie for long.

“So. Tell me how you two met.”

“Kili hasn’t told you?”

“He has.” Dis smiled expectantly. “I just want to hear you tell it.”

“Oh.” Tauriel ran a jerky hand through her hair. “Well. I guess Kili told you I’m an athletic training major. I worked with the soccer team this semester, and I was there when he got injured. And I helped with his physical therapy. We just…got to know each other.”

She ducked her head, feeling her face go hot. The kind smile had never left Dis’ face, but there was a teasing glint in her eye that made Tauriel want to go back to bed and hide her face under the covers.

“Well. He clearly likes you. He’s never talked so much about a girl before.”

“He’s a good guy. Obviously I don’t have to tell you that. I’ve…I’ve never met anyone like him.”

Tauriel was torn between wishing she hadn’t spoken and wishing she could say more. It was hard to describe what Kili was to her, what he had done for her in only a couple of months. Words weren’t adequate. But Dis’ face lit up anyway, like she understood.

“I’m glad you’re here, honey,” said Dis, patting her hand. Tauriel was startled for a moment; such a motherly gesture was not something she had expected to feel during this trip.

It felt nice, though. She could get used to it.

 

_12/21_

“Can we retire the alien Santa this year?” Fili asked from the recliner. “I think it’s scaring the cats.”

“Excuse you, I made this,” Kili huffed, placing his Santa ornament in its usual prominent place. It was missing an eyeball and the white paint had gone dingy, but Kili was still protective of it.

“Yeah, and the past fifteen years have not been kind.”

Fili had stayed on campus for a late final, but now he was home in all his obnoxious glory. The past couple of days without him had been nice, but Kili had to admit that things felt more complete with him home.

“Maybe we should talk about this creature, then,” Kili retorted, chucking a Rudolph ornament at him. Fili had made it when he was five, and by now it looked like the victim of a nuclear blast.

“Blasphemy,” said Fili. Their mother snickered as he tossed Rudolph back. “Rudolph stays. In fact, put him at the top.” 

“Fili, if you want an opinion, stand up and help,” Thorin chimed in, his eyes never leaving the TV.

“Eh.” Fili just shrugged, slouching lower in his chair. “Heckling’s more fun.”

Kili looked up at Tauriel, trying to gauge her reaction to the humbuggery, but she was fully focused on the tree. At their feet, Ori reached up to grasp a low-hanging ornament with his paws.

“Ori, no,” Kili scolded, tapping the kitten’s orange head. He skittered away, tiny feet losing traction on the wood floor. Kili watched until he righted himself, keeping one eye on Tauriel in the meantime.

“You’re looking serious there,” he said quietly, coming to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with her.

“This is serious business,” she replied with her little half-smile. “I was going to put this gold one here. But there’s already a gold one in the spot right next to it. There can’t be two of the same color together. And the spacing has to be right.”

“That’s…a lot of factors. I’ve never put that much thought into Christmas trees before.”

“Clearly.” Tauriel leaned over to inspect his work. “Kili, what did you do? These three ornaments are right on top of each other. And you left a giant hole here.”

“Maybe I was about to put something there.”

“Were you?”

“…Yes?”

Tauriel laughed and rearranged his ornaments. “There,” she said triumphantly, taking his hand. “Now it looks right.”

“What would I do without you?” He rolled his eyes and pulled her in for a kiss. She froze for a second, but eventually he felt her return the gentle pressure.

“Oh, good Lord. Break it up, you two,” Thorin grumbled as Fili whistled at them. Tauriel’s face was red as they pulled apart, but she didn’t let go of Kili’s hand.

 

_12/22_

The view of the night sky from Kili’s roof was beautiful, just as Tauriel had known it would be.

They had stopped watching the stars a while ago, though, in favor of burrowing hands underneath each other’s jackets and kissing slow and long. His tongue tasted like peppermint in her mouth as Tauriel drew him in deeper, shifting to straddle his hips, pressing him further down into the scaffolding. He pulled her down to him with one hand flat against her back, while he traced the outline of her back pocket with his other thumb.

“I think I like stargazing,” Kili sighed into her mouth, palming her through her jeans.

“I think I like you.” She pulled back to kiss his nose. “And your mom. And your life. Thanks for letting me come.”

He leaned up to bury his face in her neck. “Thanks for wanting to.”

 

_12/24_

Sleeping through the night on Christmas Eve hadn’t been a thing for Tauriel in years. Six years, to be exact. She had thought it might be different here, in a new place, but it seemed her tradition of haunting the halls until sunrise would continue.

Sighing, she made her way to the kitchen. Nori greeted her from his perch on top of the refrigerator; Dori did the same from the floor. Someone had left the back porch light on, and through the window she could see faint flurries of snow.

Snow on Christmas Eve. As if this week could be any more perfect.

Dori jumped up onto the counter after a few attempts and rubbed his head against her stomach. Tauriel scratched his chin the way she'd discovered he liked best. She moved stealthily around the kitchen, sliding across the floor in her fuzzy socks, finding a mug and hot cocoa mix and marshmallows. Even in someone else’s house, she could instinctively find these items wherever they were kept.

She watched the microwave like a hawk, pressing the button before the shrill beep could wake the whole house. As she pulled out the hot mug, she tried to lose herself in the formula. Let the water sit for a minute and twenty seconds. Stir in the mix. Add exactly ten marshmallows and let them melt into froth. Tauriel had taken her hot chocolate the same way since she’d been a child, and every part of the preparation was sacred. If there were nine marshmallows, or eleven, for example, her throat would refuse to swallow the concoction down. Everything had to be _right._

Steaming mug in hand, she shuffled into the living room with Dori close at her heels. Kili was loosely curled in fetal position on his air bed, with Ori huddled in a little ball behind his knees. The Christmas tree cast a soft white glow on his silent form. Of course he hadn’t unplugged the lights before going to sleep.

He made her heart so full, more so than it had been in a long time. But that only sent the guilt burrowing deeper into her chest. It had been six years since she’d exchanged her last words with her mother and father, had touched their hands for the final time. Surely it wasn’t right for her to feel so hopeful at Christmas when they couldn’t all be together.

She sat silently, gazing at the snow swirling outside the window. Kili shifted once on his air bed and the noise was deafening. Startled, Tauriel looked down and watched him blink himself awake. He didn’t seem all that startled to see her.

“That looks good,” he said quietly, getting up to sit on the couch next to her.

“My parents used to make it for me when I was little. The same way every time.”

She held it out for him to take a sip. His nose twitched when it touched the froth, and Tauriel felt herself leaning toward him.

“I miss them, Kili,” she whispered. “I thought that if I came here it might get my mind off how much I miss them. It’s always worse this time of year.”

He just nodded as he handed the mug back to her.

“I didn’t think love was ever supposed to feel like this,” she went on, embarrassingly close to tears. “When does it go away, Kili?”

“When I figure that out, I’ll let you know.”

She looked at him. Kili wasn’t smiling; he gazed out the window at the flurrying snow. Tauriel wondered what he was thinking. He always seemed so together, so at ease with whatever life threw his way. It hadn’t occurred to her that there might be another side to that coin.

“When he died,” Kili began with a swallow, “the house was so quiet. For months my mom barely talked. Fili started locking himself in his room right after school every day.”

Tauriel held her breath.

“The silence drove me insane, so I started talking. I was always talking, joking around and bugging the crap out of everyone. It was like if I kept the quiet away, then everything would be normal again.” He shrugged and picked up Ori. “I guess some things stick with you. But you know, it’d be weird if we _didn’t_ miss them, Tauriel. They were important.”

She shifted on the couch. Took another sip of cocoa. Gathered her thoughts.  

“Kili.”

“Hm?” He was avoiding her eyes, trying to wrangle Ori into sitting still on his lap.

“Come home with me for New Year’s?”

That got his attention. He lifted his head and blinked over at her, eyes round.  “Really?”

“Yeah.” She ran a hand through his hair. He was so beautiful in the gentle light that Tauriel’s heart rose into her throat.

“We’ve got two more weeks of break, right? That’s a long time.” she went on. “I think I want to spend it with you.”


End file.
